My name is Jason, and I am a struggling thirty-four year old father of three of the most amazing children that any parent could pray to have. There is the oldest and the ever so serious delight, Hailey, who is fourteen years old. Next is my middle firecracker that always knows the right thing to say to her daddy to make him feel better,Kasay ( say it just like Casey ), who is eleven. And then last but far from least is my loyal and kind six year old son Logan. You are not going to like some of the things that you read, but the my story has to be told regardless.
I grew up being raised by both of my parents in what was once deemed as the social norm for families. I have an older brother and younger sister, and we grew up like any other normal family. My parents raised me well and taught me all the life lessons that most parents instill in their children. We were a loving family and also a loving extended family. Always visiting relatives through out the year and especially during the holidays. My best friend in life for me was my pop-pop, Lou Lusky, the greatest man I ever knew next to my father. The one thing I always had that brought me joy and eternal happiness was my pop-pop. The stories that man told were pure fantasy tales told as if they were his own life experiences, but to a child and young teenager they meant so much more to me. He died when I was a mere thirteen years old, and the largest part of who I was left with him. That loss had burned an eternal scar into my soul and left me hating GOD for taking him away from me. Not a day goes by that I don`t think of him and how badly I miss him. I made a decision to never allow myself ever the opportunity to feel that kind of hurt ever again, so I shut myself down developing an eternal mechanicism that would allow me the shut off my feelings so I could never feel that hurt again.
Growing up as a teenager, I became the most difficult and rebellious sibling. You could never tell me what to do nor did I care what anyone had to say unless it benefitted me. I put my parents through hell. I never wanted to be told what to do. If you demanded something from me I just pushed back, always colliding with my father whom I share common personality traits with. Most could say that it was typical teenage stuff, and back then I would have agreed, but knowing my life now and where its taken me I know much better than that. Fortunately, I was a very good student and graduated with honors. which in one sense gave some small validation for my parents.
Moving into adulthood became even more difficult a task to manage for I no longer had the cushion of my parents taking care of me. By the age of twenty I became a husband and a father in one fell swoop. Ah, free from the nest, life i so easy now, right? Wrong. My issues became even more pronounced and difficult to control. I married a really nice girl named, Tammy, also twenty herself. She came from a hard working family with strong family values, and that says alot because today most people haven`t got a clue what Family Values really means today. Together we created two of the most beautiful daughters in the world, however I couldn`t find my internal peace and I whole heartedly destroyed that marriage with all the hell I created. Splitting up ensued and I was off to explore my next whatever comes my way.
My girls were getting a little older, Hailey was eight and Kasay was five, when I met Kate. Kate was a struggling single mother raising her oldest son, Alex, who at the time was about ten months old. Right away we started dating although she really wasn`t looking for anything serious. Well serious wasnt even a choice, for she had gotten pregnant almost immediately in the very beginning of our relationship. What I found in Kate was very similar traits in our personalities. I thought to myself, ok here is someone that gets me for me without all of the judging that usually comes with it. At the time I thought ok I could make this work and we tried. For the first nine months of the relationship things went without a hitch and then came the downpouring of shit buckets. My great job that I had, decided to do cut backs and let me go. This happended one week after moving into a new place and one week prior to my sons birth. Great timing I know. I fell back to being a recluse and cutting off all my friends and alienating myself from the world. I tried finding a good job but couldn`t find anything close to what I was making and mind you I still had to pay my rent and other bills along with my child support responsibilities. For those of you unaware what one pays in support, here in Pennslyvania they can and will take up to 55% of your take home pay regardless of any of you other financial responsibilities. So the burden fell onto Kates back to work her ass off paying the bills and robbing from Peter to pay Paul. Money is not the root of all evil. Having no money is! Needless to say that relationship dissolved and with it I abandoned my son not once,but twice. We tried getting back together only to socumb to the same financial perils along with the two of us realizing that we just weren`t right for each other, and that we cared for each other but just not in love.
After our second break-up, I had a mental break down if you will and I lashed out at my daughters saying some horrible things that I now have to live with the rest of my life. My youngest daughter has forgiven me, but my oldest hasn`t wanted to come stay with me in almost two years. And my son I told I couldn`t be his daddy anymore, which disgusts me more to write then for you to read. This also was about two years ago. And since that time I`ve been diagnosed as Bipolar which explains alot of my irrational behavior over the years and my apparant need to destroy everything good around me, but I think I`m still stuck with not accepting the fact I very well may be.
I do not want to continue feeling this void and emptiness inside nor do I want to struggle in life any further. I no longer want to think of my children as a paycheck. I`m tired of never having enough money nor the time for my children. The light has finally gone on inside my head and I so desperately want to be the man and father that my children deserve. I have an ok job making very little, roughly $1200 a month after taxes, and Pennslyvania Support Laws are making myself struggle every waking moment of my life. I have a suspended drivers license that I can`t afford to re-instate because somehow I`m supposed to live on $540 a month while 55% of my money goes to my children. I need my license to be able to see my children, that which I currently only see my one,Kasay. I want to repair my relationships with my children more than life itself, but currently do not have the means to better my own life. I am asking for help. I need the world to hear my cry for help! I want to find myself as the person I so desperately want to become, and I want to help others as well. I need my license to be able to seek other financial opportunities. I need my license to be able to get the help I personally need. I need my license so I can meet my financial obligations in life. I need everyone who reads this to know that I believe in taking care of your children and financially taking care of them as well, but I need our government to re-evaluate what truly is fair for all parties involved. I want to be able to live to so my children have a place to come spend time with their dad.
In a nutshell, Finding Jackson is my plea that we make serious changes in our Child Custody and Child Support Laws before we create a nation of parentless children who duck a system for their very own survival. Please will someone help me?
